Disclaimer: This isn’t a rant post. Neither is it a man against women or the other way round BS. 

Discrimination at work in ways that are probably subconscious but mostly deliberate

A corporate event celebrating women made me think back to the discrimination I have faced in all of my workplaces, and still do, and probably always will. And not all were caused by men. 

As women, it’s strange how we believe the opposite gender is out to get you, put you down, etc., when women themselves pull other women down. Well, that doesn’t make all men heroes. There are douches there too. It’s just never absolute and we cannot villainize one gender alone. 

When a woman does something which is not considered “normal” by others, both men and women are out to get them. May it be at work or otherwise. Outside, you get snarky remarks. At work, you’ll face the ego tussle, “stroke my ego” being the common theme. Throw in some jealousy and threatened feelings, and voila, you have a concoction of what we call “deal with it , this is a workplace.” However, who creates this environment for them? Is it men? Nah, not all the time. I’ll tell you why. 

After switching to a new career, something extremely different from what I have done my whole life, on my first day of that job, I got asked about my marital status… by a female colleague. Why? Simply because of my age and my previous experience. Hardly two weeks into the same job, when I am trying to fit in awkwardly, I get asked about my relationship status by the same female colleague in front of the whole team- men and women. I did bash her (not literally) with my response in front of everyone, explained a thing or two about boundaries and embarrassed her, but what’s the point? You feel sick at the end of it. You were forced to behave in a way you usually wouldn’t. You simply wonder, “Why, Woman? I even contemplated getting a sign on my table that says “MYOFB” – Mind your own f…ing  business” but that’s not the message I want to convey to everyone. So, I dropped it. 

I remember how on the last day of one of my previous jobs, when I decided to quit with no future plans, a male senior manager (not from my team) asked about my next move. When I said I will take a break, he sarcastically tells the other managers on how the company should start a “return scheme” called “boomerang”, where ex-employees could come back when shit hits the fan. He then guffaws his way like it was the best joke of the century. Normally, I would have snapped back and made him regret his words, but I was so disconcerted that day with my quitting and uncertain future that I just smiled and wished he would get run over by a bus (just kidding..or not?). See, a woman would never say such ridiculous things to another on their last day at work. It’s really insensitive and low. 

Now, before the topic steers towards a narrative of anti-men, which it’s not, I want to make it clear that in all of my work experiences, I have had the opportunity to have worked under excellent leaders who were supportive and guided me to excel at whatever I was doing, and all of them were men. I have worked under only a couple of women managers, and I had a tough time. Based on these learnings, I made sure I did not become a bitch manager. I ensured that team members were treated equally where gender had no say. I mentored my team and even promoted a few – both men and women.

The Subtle Bias

This bloody thing happens to most women in every organization. There are men, who are in shock when they hear about women doing things “normally” women won’t do. It leads to biases or unnecessary stereotyping. It is the “mindset”. Stemmed and controlled by the upbringing and the society they were brought up in. Something that we need not bother about nor find an explanation. 

There’s a part where people love to “assume” things about individuals. I am going to get cliched here. If I had a dime for every time someone exclaimed when they got to know that I don’t drink, I would be a millionaire. From what I’ve understood, I have this chill, bold attitude, which means I am a drunkard. Male colleagues have actually told me this (in different companies). What’s next? I listen to trance music and have tattoos, so I must be a stoner and loose. I have a bike’s licence and watch ‘dude’ movies, so I must be a butch? 

The assumptions don’t stop; they mix personal life choices in a corporate setting. It’s not that I cared. I have always lived my life on my terms. When you are 35 and leading an “unconventional life” as branded by society, you start to not give two hoots about what others think about you unless they are people you like. It took a lot of time and hardships to get to the place where I am today. (You can read all about how mean people have been in most of my old cryptic posts under this site’s “Life” category). Here I am, battered to the ground, but standing tall, fighting every day with the “hopelessly optimistic” spirit 🙂 Life’s too short to harness negativity, and I still have lots of love to give to those with a good heart. But, not every person can be this way, and they are not expected to. Not everyone can face insensitive biases from others, and that needs to absolutely stop at workplaces. It can totally crush people. 

You spend the majority of time with colleagues rather than your family or friends, and the least you want is a supportive framework which can be provided by both men and women. Support doesn’t make anyone needy and it’s not a sign of weakness, but with time I am realizing, people construe a cry for help as failure. Anyways, that’s a discussion for another time. What has that got to do with discrimination. 

It’s lonely as you grow up the corporate ladder, or simply grow old in a work space. The only support you need from men and women is mutual assistance. Simply put, you want to work in an environment where everybody is just chill, where nobody is insensitive, and you thrive on mutual support and respect. Have always practised being kind and nice to everyone, especially in a workplace because you don’t know who’s going through what. I believe that a few kind words can make someone’s day. It doesn’t mean everyone should be creepy nice all the time, just means that people can be consciously wary of the words they use against others. As humans, forming personal opinions and biases cannot be eliminated but in a workplace that has to be strictly removed. If unchecked, it leads to a toxic work environment where women are mostly affected. 

When we talk about gender inclusivity, women empowerment, and other fancy jargon, we think celebrating women through awards or having inclusion schemes to boost women in workplaces will solve all forms of gender disparities or discrimination. How far from the truth. All those issues can be checked only if every employee removes their personal biases and works with a broader mindset. The problem starts at the grassroots level and can be solved only if men and women decide to work differently. 

What I am probably trying to say after long ramblings in this blog is that it is not about gender. In my view, it is never gender. It is people in general, irrespective of gender, who are the bullies. It’s the mindset and shallowness that prompts people to behave in a discriminatory way against others, and the bitter truth is that there is probably nothing we can do about it. You can’t freaking change anyone at work. You can advise them only if they are open to taking your advice. Else, move on. Fight like you always have. 

The author’s views are personal and based on her experience of working in various corporations with different kinds of people.